Difficulty saying no or expressing discomfort

A young person might:

• agree to things they later say they did not want
• struggle to refuse peers
• say yes automatically when an adult asks something
• laugh or smile when uncomfortable
• become silent rather than object
• allow unwanted physical contact
• apologise when trying to assert a boundary
• worry that saying no will upset someone
• follow peers into situations they are unsure about
• find disagreement with authority particularly difficult
• communicate discomfort more clearly after leaving the situation
• need another person to notice subtle signs that they want something to stop.

Difficulty saying no may coexist with:

• empathy
• cooperativeness
• strong concern for relationships
• sensitivity to other people's feelings
• politeness
• generosity.

These are valuable characteristics.

The goal is not to make a considerate young person less considerate.

It is to ensure that caring about other people does not require surrendering their own agency.

This is a critical safeguarding entry.

A Department for Education evidence review of relationships education identified boundaries, consent and privacy as central components of education intended to prevent sexual abuse, alongside whole-school approaches rather than isolated safety lessons. (1)

A recent scoping review of consent education for adolescents with intellectual disabilities similarly identified communication, refusal of unwanted advances, negotiation, personal rights and understanding “no” as important areas of teaching. (2)

But Phoenix needs to go further than teaching refusal.

A system cannot credibly tell young people:

“Your no matters.”

while repeatedly demonstrating:

“Your no only matters when adults decide it is reasonable.”

There will be legitimate situations where adults need to make decisions for safety or care, but those should be explained transparently rather than teaching the young person that refusal itself is illegitimate.